How it feels on the inside, and not looking out

It’s been a while but i’m back after a crazy couple of months of future planning and ‘getting my arse into gear’ as ones mother would quite rightly say.

Alas today’s blog isn’t the usual light heart puns, lingerie and antics, but a more serious blog for those of you who have ever been a victim of violence and/or abusive in a relationship. I will be going through how to know if you are in an abusive relationship and what to do if you are in one and also my personal experience.

This is a touchy subject and one to take reasonably serious, so if you are here for the lighter side of our blogs please press ‘back’ and select another of your choosing.

Quick notice- I do not know or claim to know anything about the topics of violence and/or abuse, however this is purely from my own personal past experience in a mentally, verbally and emotionally abusive relationship.

So how do i begin this, i really was struggling on what would be the right things to write, the wrong things to write and if i should even write this at all as i feel his may lead to the person coming back to hassle me with his little friends. However i feel it is necessary to share my experience and if you need advice or a chat you are more then welcome to drop an email to us – 2close2cope@gmail.com

At the beginning it didn’t exactly start how most relationships start, however i guess some could have? So while in and out of dating in school i had a friend, this friend was quite…. possessive? (perhaps) towards the people that she ‘fancied’ in school. One of the guys that she ‘fancied’ i had taken notice of wandering around school before i even knew she had liked him. After her telling me that she liked him i quickly realised so did half of the school at the time (i sure know how to pick ’em)

Essentially i added him on Facebook and we started chatting through Messenger and Skype. After about 2/3 years once we had both finished school (him being a year older then myself) we finally met up. When i say ‘finally’ i mean after him continually ditching me in a village for hours alone in the cold with no phone service (aprox 15 times of being young and naive)

So when we finally met i fell for him instantly, and i could see what everyone saw in him at school. Chizzled jawline, bright blue eyes, broad shoulders and beautiful blonde hair(he smelt like the s*** no joke) and from that point on i was hooked. After a few time meeting up and hanging out i finally met his family, great family, incredible guy, awesome sister… what more could i want in a guy?

After a year of ‘awesomeness’ the naive me started to wear out and the haze began to fade, and needless to say i ignored it and scared myself out of realising what everything really looked like from the outside.

On the new years of the second year we got engaged however he seemed very reluctant, but never the less we continued on.

What i didn’t understand about relationships (as i began to live with him and his family) was that a man shouldn’t been spending an entire day playing LOL (league of legends to those no-nerds) until 3/4am every morning, regardless if i had classes the next morning he didn’t seem to care.

Progressing through the second year of the relationship my existence became NON-existent however i still brush it all off (good ‘ol naive Laura) but i then ‘up’d’ the girlfriend game and cranked that level up to a solid 100.

How you ask?

By paying for nearly everything

And this doesn’t including flying lessons, car experiences, racing tickets, surprise parties, surprise gifts (every other week) the list was never ending, just anything that i thought would grab his attention from his games and his online buddies. (he lost all of the tickets and gifts)

Now don’t get me wrong i love a bit of ‘me’ time, and even if the person i’m with loves games or technology i really don’t mind, i’ll even join in on some occasions. However till 3/4am every single day gets a wee bit draining.

Moving into the third year, this is where it gets real kids.

I won’t go into a lot of detail as i feel this blog is getting long and i really could go on for hours and hours on the stories of each occasion but i won’t. Needless to say from my experience is they’ll begin to play the blame game and blame you for anything and everything. He had an argument with Jim from down the road? no problem, you caused it. The internet is slow or has stopped working? no problem, your using it all and he can’t use it. Your getting annoyed over his nasty behaviour? it’s cool, ‘It;’s those stupid friends of yours that you’re always chatting sh*t with’ You work 8 hours a day, study and living between 4 houses? hah, ‘ you’re a lazy little f*cker who does f*ck all, all day and is worthless’ And there’s nothing like having an issue (like myself with anxiety) and the begin to use it against you ‘nobody would want you’ – ‘you can’t do anything without me’ – ‘you’re not allowed to travel because you’re a mess unless i’m there’ – ‘you’re not allowed into town without me, you need me’ – (When it gets to a point where you’re crying on average 4 times a week and your family and friends keep you away from him that’s the biggest hint)

Then one evening he threw a hot pan towards me

When they start to play mind games it’s hard, and it continues to get harder and harder as you fall into their trap and you start to doubt yourself and begin to think that everything they say is right.

Well don’t

I managed to after 4 years come out of that relationship with nothing but a severe anxiety problem and i still even 6 months on doubt any and every choice i make.

My ex came into my house and dumped the contents of his room in my front door using my old house key and the nasty messages from his pals began.

I have chosen to leave the worst situations out of this blog as i feel it wouldn’t be appropriate, as it a little to abusive for a blog i am willing to post.

Burn it, Block it and move on sweetie.

Remember the only person you ever need in your life is YOU not a partner.

  • All my love, Laura
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